Growing Old Gracefully

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the=
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steeringwheel, the brake pedal=20=
and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An of=
ficer is on the way." A few minutes later, the o
officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96=20=
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the oth=
er sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells bac=
k, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses=
"Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitc=
hen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,=
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."=20
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at=
the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March d=
ay. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man repli=
ed, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a bee=
r."
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SUPERSEX
An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, s=
he said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answere=
d, "I'll take the soup."
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ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep=20=
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used=20=
to hold my hand when we were courting."=20
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back=20=
to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly i=
rritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down t=
o sleep. Thirty seconds later she
said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed cloth=
es and got out of bed.=20
"Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close=20=
enough."
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they h=
ad shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities h=
ad been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they w=
ere playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad=20=
at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think o=
f your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell=
me what your name is."=20
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and gla=
red at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just h=
eard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. P=
lease be careful!"=20
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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SENIOR DRIVING - PART II
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see ov=
er the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes=
, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they=
went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that th=
e light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She wa=
s getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red a=
nd they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? =20=
You could have killed us both!"=20
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"