Hallmark Cards You Will Never See:

• "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
  wonder: What the **** was I thinking?"
• "Congratulations on your wedding day!  Too bad no one likes your wife."
• "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
• "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
  I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."
• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
• "As you grow older, Dad, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
• "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
• "Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back.  You'll probably need it again."
• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
• "Happy Birthday!  You look great for your age... almost lifelike!
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
• "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend... so here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
• "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits."
• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.  Did you ever find out who the father was?"
• "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
  birthday... so we're having you put to sleep."
• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas )