None of this material is mine, I have just collected things over the years. If you sent this my way, thanks. If I owe you credit for anything here ... please let me know!
Videos:
A little poke at Microsoft (Rated R for Language)
Why It's better to be a woman ...
Ode
to the Spell Checker!"
Eye
halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As
soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye
have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
BOO! These are so bad that they're good!
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was great.
*****
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive."
*****
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
*****
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."
*****
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
*****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A
beer please, and one for the road."
*****
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"
*****
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
*****
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
*****
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at
either.
*****
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there any thing you can do for him?" "Well,"says the vet,
"Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down!"
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really
heavy."
*****
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or
maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure
it's Calvin.
*****
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
*****
I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach
the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
*****
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!"
*****
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
*****
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
*****
What! do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
*****
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
*****
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"
NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic poison. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?" She replies, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with another woman." The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman." So, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang. When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! Well, that certainly puts things clearly for me so how about for you? If not, I'm not the one to blame, it's Microsoft you should sue! While Mr. Gates could never be called a common thug or thief, these bewildering "thingies" he's concocted have made him wealthy beyond belief.
Olie
and Sven were fishing one day in Minnesota when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Olie for a light.
"Ya, sure. I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. He reached into
his tackle box and pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
"Yumpin Yiminy!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge lighter in his
hands.
"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olie, "I got it from my Genie in da tackle
box."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Yah, sure. Right here in my tackle box," says Olie.
"Could I see him?"
Olie opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie in surprise, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend
of Olie, your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will.", says the genie.
Sven thinks for a moment and blurts out a request to the genie for a million
bucks.
The genie disappears in a flash, back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there, waiting
for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens. From out of nowhere, a
million ducks appear
overhead and their incessant quacking fills the air.
Over the roar, Sven yells at Olie, "I asked for a million
BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"
Olie answers, "Ya sure. I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I
asked for a 10 inch Bic?"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!" "No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
One day a guy who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of scotch?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts SLOWLY unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another Room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing. "He pulled over to the side of the road and waited f! or the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "A few years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "Peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a Prize!" The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads: "WIN A BAGEL!"
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him...they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
10. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
9. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hilary Clinton
8. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
7. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS - anonymous
6. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES - by DR J. Kevorkian
5. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
4. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
3. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson.
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton (with introduction by The
Reverend Jessie Jackson)
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS ... OK some of these are pretty chauvinistic ... just
have fun!:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC:
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her
at all.
LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
willing to die,
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.
The Norwegians and
Swedes were having one of their border disputes --
with their soldiers facing each other across the border.
At one point, the Swedes, getting pretty aggressive, threw a lot of
dynamite sticks over the border at the Norwegians.
Well, this pretty much annoyed the Norwegians -- so they lit all the
fuses and threw them back.
Did you ever smell moth balls? Really? ... how did you get their little legs apart?
Did
you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone
estrogen, which makes hair
shine and skin smooth.
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The
sweat produced cleanses the pores and
makes your skin glow.
romantic dinner.
tones up just about every muscle in the
body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need
special sneakers!
the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with
a feeling of well-being.
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals
called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex
crazy!
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the
level of the acid that
causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
the tension that restricts blood vessels
in the brain.
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and
hay fever.
GREAT TRUTHS
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you
the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help
me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at
the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what
we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second,
I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ............ "
He sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."
THE
SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up),
here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to
get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter
Another Blond Joke ...
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and
tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes
back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy
she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't
listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll
handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde''
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear,
and she says "Oh, I'm sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her
seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."
MONEY TALKS! - Mine always says "Goodbye"
Please excuse the rough language in the following story.
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back,
the bride immediately
called her mother.
"Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," the bride replied, "the honeymoon was just
wonderful! So romantic . . . ."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible
language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter
words! You've got to let me
come home . . . PLEASE, MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You've got to
stay with your husband and work this out.
Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm
so embarrassed, they're just too awful!
COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what's made you so upset. Tell your mother what these horrible four-letter words are."
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama . . . he used words like: work, dust, wash, iron, cook . . ."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Man in Training
It is not often that having a small ass can cause trouble!
Would you have invested in this group? No? You should have!
 |
SINGLE,
BROWN, KANGAROO, VERY MALE, SEEKS SINGLE, FEMALE KANGAROO TO HOP AROUND, MAKE
KANGAROO BABIES AND SHARE GREEN BUSHES. HOBBIES INCLUDE HOPPING, CHEWING ON
GREEN STUFF AND HOPPING. AGE NOT IMPORTANT. MUST BE A KANGAROO, ENJOY HOPPING
AND GREEN STUFF. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. |
Sometimes a name
change is the best idea…
Dude, what is a stoner to do?
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in
Denver for being
A single agent was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help
these folks first,
"Do you have any idea who I am?" Without
hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT
KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the
gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared
Hooked on phonics worked for them!
A dangerous combination!
No these aren't mine .. they would have used spray paint!
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" the wife said, "I don't
know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
A blonde just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine"the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere
this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there...."
"Uh, ma'am," the blonde officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?!
They send me a BLIND policeman."
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am
George Carlin.
I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel
governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it
away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in
English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that
way.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two
parents.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson
preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part
of the problem and not the solution.
I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it is sex, and it is
sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the
United States.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than
working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to
put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun
to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just
leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to
sexuality. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a
reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. My
heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and
I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts
now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in
the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches
or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up
already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over
if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you
deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world
for the next four years.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your
license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until
you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I
think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't
pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you
know. We need our country back !
A guy's walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up.
A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness, I
will grant you one wish."
The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm
too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So my
wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of
all the work involved... think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the
highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the
ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's
such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along
the way. No, that is just too much to ask."
The guy says, "Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted. I'd like
to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're
so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with... you know,
what makes them tick?"
The genie thinks a second, and says, "Would that road be two lanes or four?"
Top 12 thoughts for the day
12.
Life is sexually transmitted.
11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
9. Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
8. Some people are like Slinkies .... not really good for anything, but
you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
6. Whenever I start feeling blue, I start breathing again.
5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.
3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
And the # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Most "terrorists" are reported to have come to the US legally,
but they
then hang around on expired visas, some for as long as 10 to 15 years.
Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are 2 days late with a video,
those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge
of immigration